i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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