Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
