Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
