yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
