I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize