the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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