me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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