And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
