checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
