Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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