He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
