Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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