i was born a porn star she said
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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