I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
