I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
