He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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