i can't believe i had my finger in that
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
