Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize