So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
