I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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