At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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