At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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