I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
