I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize