I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize