You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
