Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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