They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
