I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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