he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
