The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
