I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
