from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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