Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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