He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
