so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You have to summon your inner elephant
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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