My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
