Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
