did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
