Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
