Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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