he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize