I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
