Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think your dad took our porno
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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