We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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