the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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