From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
