i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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