i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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