I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
