if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
