just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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