Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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