I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
