On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
