Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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