Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
