tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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