You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
