Your face is a jimmy john
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
