So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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