dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
