my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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