I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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