Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
