watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
